My Unsolicited Advice on Divorce

I’ve gone through the big D and don’t mean Dallas!

I get asked a lot about my divorce and what things I learned that I can pass on to people. I’m an open book and will share anything I can to help you. First off, divorce is in not the easy way out. It’s HARD. People who say, “You should stay and work it out,” need a good slap in the face when you’re standing there, crying out for help. Is marriage sacred and something that should be ridden out, come hell or high water? In a lot of cases, absolutely. Not when staying is causing depression that’s become so normal you don’t even recognize it or yourself. Not when home is no longer a safe space for you mentally or physically. Not when you’re not being loved the way you deserve or you’re the one who can’t love the other person how they deserve. Not when trust is irrevocably broken and respect isn’t there. Not when one person is doing all the work.

Only you know if divorce is the path you want to endure and travel. It’s ugly, lonely, nauseating, depressing, soul crushing, and heavy with guilt. The pain, anger, and sadness will make you feel like you’re dying. Actually dying. Wondering how it is that your heart is still beating and you’re still breathing. It will have you wanting to crawl up in a ball, disappear from the world, and die. That’s just the honest truth. Then, with time and patience, you’ll start to see glimpses of light in your life again. They’ll slowly happen more frequently, those little shards of light coming together and creating a brand new world for you. One where you’re happy to go home after a long day at work, where home is safe and you feel protected. A rebirth will occur and you’ll start to remember who you once were and decide who you want to be, taking slow and steady steps to get there. You can do it.

So, when people call or message me and tell me they’re in the beginning stages, these are some of the hard lessons I learned and I share with them. Unfortunately, as you read below, there are almost always children caught in the middle of this life altering event.

1. This is for EVERYONE! Set up counseling for yourself. You’ll need someone emotionally unattached to the situation to help you move through the grief. Divorce is a form of loss. You have to grieve your marriage and that the person you thought you married isn’t who you ended up with. Grieve the life and the future you had envisioned. This is super important for your mental health and to be the best person/parent you can be while you go through this. I promise. Friends are great but therapists are better. They will guide you and teach you how to cope.

2. Don’t say anything that you’ll regret later. No matter what the other person says to you, don’t meet them at a low level. This is super important and it’s probably going to piss them off. Stick to your guns. Don’t give them any ammo by sinking to their level. Emotions are running high, don’t fall into the trap of saying things you don’t mean or will haunt you later. Words are forever. Being the bigger person can be challenging but you won’t regret it.

3. This one is for the kids. Tell the other parent that you only want to communicate via text and email. This creates a record of everything. Don’t be afraid to take a step back from responding so that you can formulate a more mature response when you feel emotional. Take a couples hours or a day before initiating communication or answering something if it’s not time sensitive. I had people that I would message what I REALLY wanted to say and then they would clean it up for me and send it back to me so I could send it. Hey, it worked. Sometimes I didn’t do that but I tried really hard not to respond impulsively and while I was physically shaking. It’s key that you remove all emotions in your messages. If kids are involved, keep communication focused on the kids and their day-to-day and well-being only. There are co-parenting apps that will proofread your messages and make you change passive aggressive language if that’s something that needs to be utilized. Especially if you or the other parent is super emotional. Keep divorce details for the lawyer, that’s their job.

4. Treat your divorce and custody agreement as a business agreement, devoid of emotion. Your feelings can be heard in therapy, not in your lawyer’s office. Don’t make any choices during emotional highs or lows. Inevitably, you’ll regret them later and wish you had done things differently.

5. Try to interview at least two lawyers before you choose one. Don’t pick the cheapest or the fastest one to get you in, if you don’t have to. Find one that you think will work best for and with you. Fun fact, every lawyer you go to for a consultation can’t, in turn, consult with or be hired by the other person in your divorce, even if you don’t choose them to take on your case. This next piece is super important, take a printed list of all questions and take notes during the meeting. Keep the lawyer on track. They can talk in circles and waste your money and time. An hour goes by quickly and can cost $150-$300. Lead the conversation. I’ve met with multiple lawyers and I have my favorite bc she addresses a topic and moves on. I get the absolute most for my time and money.

6. If you feel like the other parent is a 1% flight risk with the kids, file as fast as you can. Especially if you’ve already told them that you want a divorce. Once you file they can’t move the kids. I’ve seen and heard way too many stories of one parent taking off with the kids and the other parent is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Especially if they’re enrolled in school and sports at the new address. Judges don’t take kindly to jerking kids around.

7. Keep a log of everything you do and the other parent doesn’t do. It’s a lot of work initially, but you’ll get used to it. This is why it’s important to communicate via text and email. It’s irrefutable evidence. Talk to your lawyer about what’s important to document. Who makes their appointments, who takes them? Who gets them ready for school and ensures they get there on time? Who initiates communication with their teachers or asks for parent-teacher conferences, who attends them? Who helps them with their homework, who are they better prepared with for school? Who supports their extra curricular activities, registers them, pays for it, and makes it happen? Who stays home with them when they’re sick? Who is capable of making decisions in the child’s best interest, not the adult’s? Again, consult with your lawyer on what they feel is important. Not every state, county, situation is the same.

8. Going thru a divorce, with or without kids, is terrible. It changes you. Just remember, when the light is gone and it’s dark, this will only be a season. It’s not forever and one day it will be resolved and you can move on with your life. The light will return, it always comes back.

Everything in life is temporary if you give it enough time.

I have a lot to say on this whole topic but…

Until then, I love ya’ll. Please, if you’ve learned something I didn’t mention here, leave it in a comment! Let’s help out our fellow brothers and sisters with the most help we can!