Getting older and maintaining healthy friendships is weird and sometimes awkward. This has recently been weighing on my mind. You have the friends that you’ve known since the dawn of time, friends from after high school or from college, work friends, friends that you made because you had a baby, friends you met while you were dating someone, neighborhood friends, friends thru serendipity, church friends, school friends, friends that started as acquaintances. The list goes on, so many categories of friends.
What happens when life changes and your circle adapts and you lose one or two in the shuffle?
I’m usually ok with this process. It’s just life. There’s no love lost, no hurt feelings, just a shuffle or a new season that calls for a change. I married young and my husband had just as many friends as I did, so together we had A LOT. Then the baby came. We morphed into parents and our priorities shifted. All of a sudden we had two babies, we weren’t staying out late or paying ridiculous tabs at the bar when it was closing time. Luckily, we had friends going through a similar whirlwind of marriage and babies. These are the friends you gravitate towards most, whether you were close before or not. You’re suddenly comparing notes on married life, pregnancy and baby stuff. Don’t get me wrong, you’re still getting together and drinking beer but now there’s a dedicated space for play pens, fresh milk bottles, and sleeping babies. So, where does that leave the friends on different paths? The ones career driven, waiting later in life to start a family, or still hanging out at the bar every weekend? Choices are made on both sides to either keep going as friends and becoming more intentional in your friendship or slowly drifting apart. It’s just life and it’s ok. There’s a chance you’ll reconnect in the future.
Then there’s the rude awakening that comes with divorce. Some people you expect to pick a specific side and they do. Don’t be offended if it’s not yours, it’s normal. If any friend tells you they’re neutral, they’re a damn liar. I don’t care how peaceful it starts, divorce brings out people’s true colors and they are uglyyy. No true friend can stay neutral. You might feel like you’re losing friends in this process but don’t! They weren’t loyal in the first place, why would you want them in your corner? You don’t. You shouldn’t. I had people tell me they were neutral during my divorce. I either chose to not maintain a friendship with them OR to still be friends but I limited confiding in them with the personal stuff. The first time something you said gets thrown back in your face, verbatim, by your ex, is like a punch to the gut. You confided in someone you thought was loyal and they’re not. The pain and disappointment happens when the friends you thought would ride it out with you, don’t. That sucks and it’s hard to not feel hurt. Focus on the ones who stayed, they’re in it to win it and they’re cheering you on!
Then there’s this shift in your 30’s. You start to figure out who you are at your core, what’s important to you and your friend goals change again. This is where we unknowingly start to ‘settle in our ways.’ Feels too young, doesn’t it? Nope. If it hasn’t happened yet, you’ll see it sometime between 35-40. I really feel like this one right here, this one is the realest. We’ve lived long enough to figure out what types of behaviors we’ll tolerate and those we won’t. We find friends with similar vibes, energies, motivations, and faith. People we can be our truest selves around. We figure out what we need from them and what we can give back in return. There’s a natural balance that occurs. It’s incredible, really. Never in my life did I think I’d be ok with texting fervently with a bestie at 5:24 am. My rule started at not before 9 am, then 8, then 7. Now there are no rules. Wake up with an epiphany at 3:17 in the morning? Welp, no other choice than to message Megan immediately and tell her while my brain’s hot on it. She’ll read it when she reads it. Can’t sleep at 1:17 am because insomnia, stress, and anxiety? Better let Phia know just in case she’s still awake, too. We can Facetime in the dark and talk about it. Wide awake before your alarm goes off, brain firing on all cylinders, already panicking about what the day might hold but you don’t even have a way of knowing but WHAT IF? Ope, Megan just messaged bc SAME. Let’s just go ahead and hype each other up to be boss babes for the day.
Even still, there will be friends you outgrow and drift away from. The ones you thought would be around forever and your kids are best friends and you imagined living life together on a big piece of land. Now you haven’t talked to them in what feels like ages. Life keeps happening over and over for each other and you fall so far behind in what’s going on that your bond loosens. There are no intentions to catch up. There’s talk, “I’ll call you,” but it doesn’t happen. There’s a lack of intention and priority. You never expected your friendship to get to this point. You don’t know how to be ‘pick up where you left off’ friends. It used to be all-in, now it’s just nothing. Can these friendships be salvaged? Is the effort one-sided and never going anywhere? When you do you give up hope that you’ll ever be as strong as you once were? Right now I’m just letting my heart heal from the break.
On the flip side, you have friends that you don’t talk to often but can pick up anytime right where you left off during a random phone call. These friends are just important as the rest. I’d venture to say that if you took some time to think about it, there’s a unique reason that your bond is strong enough to do this. There’s a special mutual respect and love for one another. One where the other is always available when needed, no questions asked, no expectations. Or a song just came on and you can’t help but call to tell them and hear their voice.
Every time I feel like my closest circles are dissolving, I get a little sad. Then a different circle starts to form and guess what? It’s exactly what I need in my life at that exact moment, in that season.
Whatever the case is, friendships are weird and can be awkward.
Love y’all.
Come As You Are... 